Understanding human behavior through compassion

Empathy, trauma, family dynamics, and culture shape much of how we see the world. In this conversation, psychologist Dr. Amy Clayton reflects on decades of clinical experience and explains why understanding people begins with compassion and curiosity.

Empathy beyond first impressions

We often form opinions about people within seconds. For psychologists, however, understanding begins not with judgment but with curiosity. Drawing from years of clinical experience, Dr. Amy Clayton explains how empathy can reshape the way we see even the most difficult cases.

Question

How has your experience working in psychology changed the way you view people and human behavior?

Different aspects of my training have shaped the way I see people, but my real experiences have had an even greater impact.

Training teaches psychologists to be empathetic. Most people who enter this field already have that tendency, or they probably wouldn’t choose this profession. But experience deepens that empathy in ways you can’t fully anticipate.

One example comes from when I worked with children who were victims of physical and sexual abuse. One of the hardest lessons I learned was that I also had to develop empathy for the abusers.

I remember a man who voluntarily brought his eight-month-old daughter to our center and admitted, “I can’t stop touching my daughter, and I need help.”

My first responsibility was not to react emotionally but to recognize that he understood something was deeply wrong and had chosen to seek help before causing further harm. At the same time, I also had to protect his daughter.

Working alongside law enforcement highlighted how differently people can approach the same situation. While I saw someone who was mentally unwell and asking for help, the police understandably viewed him primarily through the lens of the law. Seeing those two perspectives side by side taught me that experience often creates a level of empathy that formal education alone cannot provide.

Question

Do you think professionals such as police officers, firefighters, and first responders would benefit from learning more psychology? Could that lead to better outcomes for people trying to change?

I think firefighters and EMTs are already trained helpers. They’re rescuers by nature, and many of them already possess a great deal of empathy. Conversations with them tend to feel very different than conversations with police officers.

Police officers are trained differently. Their job requires them to separate themselves from the people they’re interacting with and to enforce the law objectively. Their repeated exposure is often to people who are breaking rules or creating dangerous situations, so they’re conditioned to see things in very clear terms.

Psychology often asks us to look beyond behavior and ask why someone acted the way they did. Law enforcement, however, frequently has to focus on whether the law was broken.

While I think psychological education is valuable for everyone, I’m not sure it would fundamentally change that mindset because it would conflict with the way officers are trained to do their jobs.

Question

When an infant experiences abuse, are they psychologically affected even if they’re too young to consciously remember it?

Many professionals believe trauma can become deeply imprinted, even when someone cannot consciously recall the events later in life.

What concerns me even more is that abuse within the home is rarely an isolated event. If the abusive parent isn’t stopped, the child may continue experiencing trauma throughout childhood.

When the person who is supposed to provide safety and protection becomes the source of harm, the psychological impact extends far beyond a single incident. It’s the repeated betrayal by someone the child depends on most.

Why teenagers need to be heard

Teenagers often describe feeling unheard by the adults around them. Dr. Clayton discusses why that disconnect exists, how social media has intensified it, and why listening to adolescents matters more than ever.

Question

Many teenagers who speak up about abuse or emotional struggles feel like adults don’t believe them. Why do you think that happens?

There are many factors that influence whether a child is believed.

I’ve worked with families where a child disclosed sexual abuse, but the parent refused to accept it because they depended financially on the accused person. Acknowledging the abuse would have threatened the family’s stability, so denial became a way of protecting their circumstances.

I’ve also seen the opposite. Families with greater financial security sometimes rejected the possibility because they believed, “Someone like that would never do this.” Their social status became another reason to dismiss the child’s experience.

What’s striking is that denial exists across every socioeconomic level — it simply takes different forms.

I often describe teenagers as one of society’s most overlooked populations. We expect an incredible amount from them academically, socially, and emotionally, yet we frequently dismiss their opinions simply because of their age.

Today’s teenagers are also growing up in a completely different world than previous generations. Through social media, they’re exposed to world events, violence, conflict, and emotionally overwhelming information every day. Previous generations simply weren’t exposed to that volume of information as children.

As a result, young people are developing mature perspectives much earlier, yet they’re still treated as if they aren’t capable of meaningful thought.

I’ve always encouraged parents to explain why they’re asking something of their children instead of relying on, “Because I said so.” When children understand the reason behind a request, they feel respected, valued, and much more willing to help.

Teenagers are thoughtful and perceptive. If adults genuinely listen to them, they’re often surprised by how deeply they think.

Question

Social media gives young people instant access to news, global events, and constant comparison. Do you think that has increased the emotional pressure they face compared to previous generations?

Absolutely, although comparison has always existed.

When I was younger, comparison came from magazines, television, and advertisements. Those images were distant — they were celebrities and professional models.

Today, comparison comes from your peers.

Young people now see classmates, influencers, and people their own age altering their appearance with cosmetic procedures or obsessing over problems they don’t even have.

I’ve seen teenagers worrying about laugh lines before they’re even adults. Instead of celebrating signs of happiness, they’re being taught to fear aging while they’re still children.

The pressure has become extreme.

Even decades ago, the media encouraged unrealistic beauty standards. I remember taking a women’s studies course where we analyzed advertisements and discussed how women were portrayed. Once someone pointed it out, you started seeing the same patterns everywhere.

Today those messages haven’t disappeared — they’ve become constant.

Instead of seeing a model in a magazine once a month, you’re exposed to hundreds of carefully edited images every single day from people all over the world.

That constant exposure changes how people evaluate themselves.

Technology has also changed access. Years ago, if you wanted some beauty product from another country, your parents could simply say no.

Today, anything can be ordered online almost instantly.

We’re living in a culture built around immediate gratification, and that has changed the relationship young people have with consumerism, appearance, and self-image.

The invisible work that holds a family together

Some of the most consequential work in a household is the work nobody sees. Dr. Clayton explains how unnoticed labor breeds resentment, how unequal expectations pass quietly from one generation to the next, and what children learn simply from watching their parents.

Question

What patterns do you commonly see in family relationships that people often overlook, particularly in families with busy working parents?

One of the biggest patterns I see is what I call invisible work.

In many families, especially when one parent works long hours outside the home, the responsibilities inside the house often fall heavily on the other partner.

The problem isn’t only the workload — it’s that much of that work goes unnoticed.

Think about washing dishes. Someone washes them, dries them, puts them away, and suddenly everyone else simply opens the cabinet and finds clean plates. The work disappears because the result becomes normal.

The same happens with laundry, meals, appointments, school schedules, grocery shopping, and countless other daily responsibilities.

Sometimes the partner who’s been away at work comes home and notices only what wasn’t done rather than everything that was accomplished.

Over time, that lack of appreciation can create resentment and strain the entire family dynamic.

The healthiest families recognize and value the invisible work that keeps everyday life functioning.

Question

Many immigrant families, especially in South Asian cultures, have traditionally expected women to manage both careers and nearly all household responsibilities. Can that dynamic affect marriages and even influence how children view future relationships?

My biggest concern isn’t necessarily that children will distrust men. It’s that they’ll grow up believing those unequal dynamics are normal and eventually choose partners who meet those same expectations.

The good news is that this cycle can change within a single generation.

Parents can teach their children that healthy relationships have one fundamental requirement: both people should genuinely care for one another’s well-being.

If someone truly cares about you, they won’t expect you to carry every responsibility alone.

The strongest relationships are built on teamwork. Each partner notices where the other is struggling and steps in to help without being asked.

That’s the example children need to see.

During COVID, for example, my practice became incredibly busy. I had around sixty clients and barely had time to take care of myself. My daughters noticed that I wasn’t eating regularly, so they taught themselves how to cook and would leave meals outside my office door.

That wasn’t something I specifically instructed them to do. They had simply grown up watching my husband and me support each other whenever one of us was under more stress.

When my husband is overwhelmed during tax season, I naturally try to make things easier for him. When I’m overwhelmed, he does the same for me.

Children learn those patterns by watching them happen every day.

How culture shapes identity and empathy

Our culture and identity shape how we feel about others. Many children of immigrants know this, as they don’t quite belong to a single culture but rather a blend of both. They may also be more empathetic, having been exposed to more than one.

Question

As a first-generation Indian American, I often notice that people in India immediately recognize me as “American,” even though I try to adapt to the culture when I’m there. It makes me wonder how much of our identity is reflected through our behavior rather than our appearance. Does psychology help explain why people notice those differences so quickly?

Absolutely.

Much of what people notice isn’t physical appearance — it’s behavior. Our mannerisms, body language, communication style, and social expectations are all shaped by the cultures we grow up in.

As children, we unconsciously learn thousands of social rules simply by observing the people around us. Those behaviors become automatic, and we often don’t realize they’re culturally specific until we’re placed in a different environment.

That’s why someone may immediately recognize that you’re from another country, even if you share the same ethnic background. They’re responding to subtle behavioral cues that you’ve learned from growing up in a different culture.

Question

Do you think understanding different cultures makes people more empathetic?

I do.

The more we understand why people behave the way they do, the less likely we are to judge them based solely on our own expectations.

Psychology constantly reminds us that behavior exists within a context. People’s beliefs, communication styles, family structures, and values are shaped by where they were raised and what experiences they’ve had.

When we appreciate those differences, we’re much more likely to respond with curiosity instead of judgment.

Empathy often begins by asking, “What experiences led this person to think this way?” rather than assuming our own perspective is the only correct one.

Lessons from a career in psychology

After decades of practice, what still surprises Dr. Clayton isn’t how much damage people carry — it’s how much of it they can recover from. She closes on resilience, on why almost nobody is simply good or bad, and on the one habit she’d leave every reader with.

Question

Throughout your career, what has surprised you the most about human behavior?

I think what surprises me most is how resilient people are.

I’ve worked with individuals who have experienced incredible trauma — things many people couldn’t imagine surviving — and yet they’re still capable of healing, building relationships, and creating meaningful lives.

That doesn’t mean the trauma disappears. It doesn’t.

But human beings have an incredible capacity to adapt when they’re given support, safety, and the opportunity to heal.

I’ve also learned that very few people are simply “good” or “bad.”

Most people are much more complicated than that.

Their behavior often reflects a combination of life experiences, trauma, relationships, personality, biology, and circumstance.

Understanding those factors doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, but it does help us understand it.

And understanding is often the first step toward meaningful change.

Question

If you could leave readers with one message about psychology and human behavior, what would it be?

Lead with curiosity.

When someone behaves in a way you don’t understand, try asking yourself why before rushing to judgment.

Psychology has taught me that every person has a story. We may not always know that story, and we may not agree with every choice someone makes, but approaching people with curiosity instead of immediate criticism often leads to greater understanding.

The world becomes a much more compassionate place when we remember that every individual is carrying experiences we can’t immediately see.

Question

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences and insights. I really appreciate your openness and the perspective you’ve brought to this conversation.

You’re very welcome. I enjoyed our conversation, and I think it’s wonderful that you’re creating opportunities for people to learn more about psychology and the many different ways it influences everyday life.